THE SCRIPT (from the writer of ' The Feeling')
Rajesh: So the script we are writing is that of an action/ love story right?
Neha: Yeah, it has to be something unique , something which the audience has never seen before , something which is path breaking and innovative.
Jayesh: Exactly!!!! We have to stay away from those awful clichés which come out every alternate week in Bollywood.
Krish: Yeah , like Heropanti. I mean who in his right sense names his son after an animal.
Neha: What if Jackie goes with his son Tiger to see some tigers in a tiger zoo? Can you imagine the mass confusion which will take place? When Jackie says ‘look tiger!!!’ is he referring to the animal or the human??
Rajesh: Guys!! Can we cut out these needless jokes and get serious here. Coming to clichés I have an excellent idea. To make an original script we must know what an unoriginal script is and then it is our duty to deviate from it as much as possible.
Neha: Excellent idea!!!! So let us first discuss the most clichéd Bollywood romantic/ action movie script ever.
Jayesh: There has to be a main hero who is absolutely gorgeous and handsome when it comes to looks.
Neha: He has to have six pack abs if not 8 and has to be extremely intelligent .
Jayesh: That’s funny coz throughout the entire movie we won’t know how he earns a living, yet he drives the best of vehicles , wears the best of clothes and wouldn’t six pack abs require a lot of gym, involving money?
Rajesh : He also has to be prolific in sports like tennis , football , cricket , badminton , swimming , fencing , all track and field events , chess , ice-hockey , hunting , paragliding , wrestling and must have mastered all forms of martial arts ranging from karate , taekwondo , western boxing otherwise how will we justify the scenes when he knocks 100 people in the air like they are dummies and…..
Krish: WE DON’T JUSTIFY ANYTHING MAN. He just does it like he is born with the above
Rajesh: Oh yeah……sorry.
Neha: He must be living in some small city and his life must be marked with some personal tragedy which kind of troubles him when he is sleeping or something. And we must show those scenes in black and white even if they are not related to the main plot in any manner. It’s just to remind our audience that he is human after all.
Jayesh: I’m thinking uncle’s death Krish: That’s too discrete brother. I think father’s death should do the trick.
Neha: Or how about his entire family getting killed in a car accident and him getting separated from his brother who he only meets in the climax and gets those weird flashback scenes again making him realize who his brother actually is.
Krish: Perfect!!!! That’s our sub plot which nobody really cares about.
Jayesh: You forgot one critical thing!!! The hero must have super cheesy one liners always up his sleeve which he uses to compliment the heroine who first finds it annoying but somehow later in the movie finds it super romantic.
Krish: Like ‘ dosti mein no sorry no thank you’ .
Rajesh: Okay. Now coming to the heroine. She too has to be funny, smart, cute, beautiful and hot. She comes from America or something to visit/live in the small town in which our hero coincidently lives. And did I forget to mention that she is brilliant in singing. Her voice is like honey and has some harmonious whistle tunes which she keeps on singing when it comes to thoughts about love.
Neha : And our hero must possess the ability to read minds like Professor X coz guess what? He sings the same exact whistle tune casually when he is out on the road.
Krish: And this exact tune reunites them in the first place.
Neha : No. The hero sees the heroine shopping or something and then we must focus on the face of the heroine who (as if she knows the hero is watching him) keeps on smiling and giving the cutest expressions of all time.
Jayesh : And we must back that scene up with some random chorus singing , uttering words which only sound pleasant but have no meaning.
Rajesh : Coming to songs and music , the sad song has to be there in the break-up scene
Krish : Which takes place in the rain . Rajesh : Or in a train station where the hero runs after the coach of the train in which the heroine is sitting while she is sobbing.
Jayesh : Don’t forget that the rain is also reserved for their kissing scene.
Neha : Guys!!!! Have you forgotten about the foreign location song which takes place on the Alps of Switzerland or Kashmir where the heroine wears a gorgeous sari while the hero wears a simple shirt and none of them feel cold They just casually lie on the snow and also randomly travel to rose- filled gardens and farms where for some reason it’s the perfect time coz it’s only the two of them in the place. I mean you would expect some tourists there right or some local inhabitants. Nevertheless both the heroine and hero must have superb dancing skills. Break dance , bhangra , kathakali , hip -hop you name it!!!
Rajesh: Ok so terrible and impractical songs are fixed , weak character development is done . All we need are some scenes and then our movie is done coz we don’t have to worry about any concrete story or even editing for that matter
Krish : What about the big shock ?
Neha : You mean the one in which we come to know the heroine is engaged to someone else ? Or the heroine’s parents don’t allow the marriage to take place coz they for some reason don’t approve of the perfect hero?
Rajesh: Something which is common these days is the notion that the heroine apparently does not believe in the concept of love. Doesn’t that negate the whole notion of the ‘love story’?
Krish : Absolutely!!! That must be included when there are like 30-35 minutes left. This will give us about 40 minutes for the mindless introduction of the characters , a good 30 minutes for the first glance scene , 30 minutes for cheesy dialogues and first interactions , 10 minutes for second interactions . 5 minutes for the realization of love for the hero (his annoying best friend tells him or something coz he is too stupid to realize it himself) 15 minutes for the realization of love for the heroine ( they always take longer), a good 45 minutes for the action scene where the hero bashes up uncles , aunts , bodyguards , random people in the street and even more random bike gang people who for some reason find only the heroine to tease.
Rajesh : Needless to say that each part has to be accompanied by songs which will take up 1 hour.
Neha : and don’t forget the 10 minutes of depression scenes and 15 minutes of the final “climax” .
Jayesh : Which gives us a 4 hour plus movie and as you said editing is not required at all.
Krish : So how many coincidental confrontations must we keep?
Neha : One will be in a bookstore , you know she drops her books or something while the other must take place when she is with her fiance (A.K.A the ‘other guy’) who is a complete idiot when compared to the hero.
Jayesh : And who will rip of the hero’s clothes of in the climax movie just to remind the audience of his abs even though we have seen it in countless songs and pointless scenes ?
Neha : That can be either the hero himself or the villain and we must pause at his body for 5 minutes and then go slow motion style to his neck , then to his nose , then eyes and then the cheesiest of all dialogues will be spoken out loud and clear. And the sound will echo all around the place.
Krish : And the villain and his people will also just stay their admiring his body and applauding his dialogue instead of just going in a large group and beating the crap out of him. They will also attack one by one , perhaps having an internal discussion of the order in which they would want to be thrown , kicked , punched....in short beaten up.
Rajesh : Brilliant!!!! That’s done. Now we can easily make our own script which must contain none of the things we have discussed.
Neha : Lets do it!!!!!!
Krish : Its going to be legendary and innovative.
3 days later…
Rajesh : I had a feeling form the start only that romance was not really our cup of tea.
Neha : Me too.
Jayesh : So now we are switching to horror right.
Krish : Yeah.. It has to be something which the audience has never seen before. It has to be unique.
Rajesh : Coming to unique I’ve got a great idea.
The others : What!!!!!!!
Rajesh : Never mind!!!
